Is Your Child’s Behaviour Baffling You? Let’s Look at their Nervous System

by Emily Legg

 
 
 

So, you get that dreaded phone call telling you about how your child got aggressive, refused to listen today, or how they stole the pet rabbit and won’t tell anyone where it is.

Now you are embarrassed or frustrated because this has turned into a regular occurrence. And when your child comes home you have to try to understand what is happening and what will change it.

Or perhaps you have planned a family day with your child’s favourite activities (not yours, as that would involve very different things) and you are met with ‘’leave me alone, I hate you, I’m not going anywhere”. An eruption of emotion plays out and it turns into a pretty awful afternoon filled with resentment and exhaustion.

Human behaviour can be baffling, especially when the brain is still developing. And when scientists tell us the rational part of the brain - the prefrontal cortex - takes on average 25 years to fully develop, decoding behaviour can be a dubious task.

A good place to start is to understand the nervous system and see behaviour as a symptom of a dysregulated or regulated nervous system. Difficult or confusing behaviours are often an attempt to regulate, sometimes we just don’t know how.

Dysregulation

When your nervous system perceives itself to be under threat it will want to fight, flight, freeze or fall asleep. This can show up in responses like anxiety, rage, aggression, refusal (e.g. refusal to move, refusal to apologise), defensiveness, staying in bed, unclear communication, negative thoughts, low motivation (the list is big). Dysregulation arises due to the individual’s perception of a threat. It can be a lonely experience as it can be hard to explain.

Regulation – (Window of tolerance)

When your nervous system is regulated, your body and brain feel safe. It is in these times you can think clearly and logically, you have good sleep cycles, you feel poised and have awareness of both mind and body. Overall, it’s an optimum state of being and usually feels good.

 
 
 
 

The key is learning what it feels like to be dysregulated to become better at returning to a regulated state. By recognising your signs of regulation and dysregulation, you can better recognise when your child is having difficulty regulating. So, I encourage you to notice yourself when you are in different states throughout the day. Notice your breathing, your heart rate, your body temperature, and any other symptoms like discomfort in the chest, stomach or throat. Notice your behaviour at these times – are you withdrawn, tense, irritable, shut down, hyperactive? You might start to notice similar behaviours in your child, although they might present a little differently.

Once you can recognise your child’s signs of dysregulation, their behaviours may make more sense.

You may start to see patterns in your child and you can use regulation activities to help in tricky moments. You can also use the same activities pro-actively in your lifestyle to help maintain a regulated state.

Here are some ways to actively help bring the nervous system back to regulation:

  • Run up and down steps

  • Rub your skin vigorously

  • Jump in cold water

  • Read a book

  • Snuggle or have a hug

  • Bounce on a yoga ball

  • Run, jump, move, so you have to pause to take a deep breath.

  • Doodle

  • Take a bath

  • March or sing during transitions

  • Deep pressure on arms or massages

  • Eat something crunchy

  • Put a cold or hot washcloth on the face

  • Breathe, breathe, and ensure your inhalation is the same as your exhalation.

  • Time or sleep

  • Return the rabbit you stole

Sometimes for children, the only solution is time and a regulated parent or carer to feel safe with when the child’s body is struggling to feel safe by itself. Most children need to “borrow” their adult’s regulated state because they have not yet developed the skills. Like the science says, it takes 25 years to fully develop the rational part of the brain. It takes a lot of practice, trial and error to really know what will help you in the moment you feel dysregulated.

Once we look at this this way, often our child’s behaviour is not shameful or deliberate. The behaviour is occurring because their body is automatically reacting to feeling unsafe, often unconsciously, and we can help to guide their nervous system back to where it feels regulated and safe.

 
 

We can help.

Here at Berry Collective Psychology, we have a dedicated team that can help support you on your journey of healing and recovery.