Is Codependence Silently Crippling You?
By Luke Jesionkowski
Codependence. You may or may not have heard the term before, but either way hold onto your seats, because you're about to find out exactly how it may be shaping your world and silently impacting your mental health and relationships.
What exactly is Codependence?
Codependence is a common relational disorder which impacts and influences how we see and interact with others in our lives, particularly within intimate relationships.
12 Step Fellowship Codependents Anonymous defines codependence as:
““...a condition born of losing connection with our authentic self, thereby losing the ability to share our true self with others and be in healthy intimate relationships.””
In essence, someone who is codependent on another, such as a partner or parental figure, has an unhealthy level of dependence on another which leads to negative consequences for both people involved.
Who does it impact?
Everyone. Yes, that includes you!
Because human beings are naturally dependent upon one another for various social and relational needs like friendship, romance, living arrangements etc, dependence exists between you and those you share your life with on a scale. This means that, to a certain degree, you are codependent on others and they are on you. Hence, becoming aware of how this plays out is extremely important.
What are the Symptoms of Codependence?
Pia Mellody (the OG codependence queen) in her book "Facing Codependence" (2) outlines that there are core symptoms that codependent people typically exhibit. They are:
Issues with having low self-esteem.
Often viewing their thoughts/opinions as less important than others.
Poor ability to set internal and external boundaries.
This lack of boundaries leads the person to feel unsafe and unprotected in their world.
An Inability to own one’s reality
Inability to "be who you are", share and express that with others / Struggle to speak one's truth, be authentic & real.
Emotional dependency issues.
Too reliant on others for getting their own needs met and for a sense of joy or purpose.
Difficulty in moderating behaviour
Due to repression of self and a lack of boundaries, codependents can usually become hyper controlling or out of control in their behaviours due to their sense of powerlessness/fear in how they operate in their world.
You can see a video of Pia talking through her model of codependence here: (Mind the fact that it was shot in the 90's!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrLaaar02e4&t.
Other characteristics of codependence include:
1. Denial patterns - Difficulty identifying what they are feeling, minimising themselves, shut down.
2. Compliance patterns - Extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations for too long, feeling of walking on eggshells, inability to say “no”.
3. Control patterns – Becoming highly perfectionistic, believing others can’t take care of themselves or need to be taken control of, compulsive helpers.
4. Avoidance patterns - Avoid emotional, physical or sexual intimacy to maintain distance, use of indirect language, avoid social situations.
5. Addictive patterns - May experience other habits and patterns of addictive behaviours related to things such as alcohol, pornography, technology etc.
6. Guilt patterns - Usually experience regular and consistent feelings of guilt for their actions, typically say sorry for most things despite no need.
What is the cause of Codependence?
Developmental trauma and dysfunction in family systems growing up is foundational to codependence as it is where and how we learn to relate with others in our world.
Concerns of dysfunctional relating styles, authoritative or power abusive parenting styles, abandonment and enmeshment wounds all play into the emergence and development of codependent characteristics and typically create the initial fear and shame core that perpetuates the condition.
Worryingly throughout the person’s life, codependents will typically re-enact or recreate the same types of relationship patterns of what occurred early in family life, amplifying the initial core wounding. This typically leads codependents into toxic and dysfunctional relationships in which they feel unable to leave.
What is recovery from Codependence?
If you have identified with some or most of this article fear not, because recovery from this "dis-ease" is absolutely possible.
Though all individual cases of codependence vary and can exist at both ends of the spectrum, there are some things that you should consider implementing straight away to start to become more securely attached and interdependent in your relationships.
1. Work on building up your own self-esteem.
2. Start setting healthy boundaries and saying no.
3. Own your own reality. Reflect on what your authentic truth is and start to share it, despite what others may think of it. Get to know who you truly are and live by your values.
4. Practice self-reliance.
5. Emotional regulation skills. Mindfulness practices and CBT techniques such as box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and many more can really help to balance the likely strong emotions playing out in codependence.
6. Untangle yourself from your relationships - especially the toxic ones.
7. Practice self-compassion and forgiveness.
8. Stop comparing and worrying what everyone else thinks.
9. Practice good self-care and self-reliance.
10. Please, stop saying sorry for everything.
11. Seek out community. 12 Step groups like Codependants Anonymous or connecting with like-minded friends/community groups can help you feel supported and not alone.
12. Seek professional support. A therapist can help identify why the codependence emerged, how it is playing out, and assist with strategies to overcome the codependent patterns.
References:
(1) Codependents Anonymous (CODA) https://www.codependentsanonymous.org.au/whatiscodependency
(2) Pia Mellody (1989) - Facing Codependence: What it is, Where it Comes from, How it Sabotages Our Lives.
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